When love hurts part 2: When loving means letting go

Those of us with rescuer personalities always want to save people from themselves. Sometimes the only way we can truly help a person is by letting them go, refusing to enable their dysfunction.

When people are not loving us in the way that we need and deserve to be loved the only way to love ourselves is by letting go.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel that you are not good enough. If you need to be reminded of your TRUE identity (according to the most high God) please read my blog entitled "do you know who I am"

Because I love myself and I also love Mr. J I realized that the only solution was to let him go. We always make people better for the next woman. Hopefully in relationships we learn the lessons we need to and use them to make our next relationship even better. I do. I hope Mr J does too. I doubt it though, he is a little too high on himself to think that he might actually learn something from me...idiot

Anyhow the following is the letter that I wrote him to end our jacked up relationship:

Subject: You deserve to be, God wants you to be and I want you to be ridiculously happy

E-mail body:
To My Dearest Mr J,
Thank you so much for your time on the phone today. I think we started off pretty well...I am sorry about how it ended. I had really hoped that things would end with us on a better note. Oh well...

I think that you were right, relationships shouldn't be so stressful or difficult...especially in the beginning.
I think the reason why we were having so much difficulty is because we kept trying to force something that didn't fit. As much as you love me and as much as I love you and as much fun as we have when we are together, we don't fit. We look good in theory but in reality we don't work. At first I was in denial but then I had to face the truth. You deserve to be with someone who you are absolutely crazy about, who you think is the best thing since sliced bread. You deserve to be with someone who already has those qualities that are most important to you in a mate. You also deserve to be with someone who is equally as crazy about you. I am more than confident that you will find that woman and with her you will be ridiculously happy and feel fulfilled.

I deserve those things too. The truth is that you are a flawed but fantastic guy and am an imperfect but wonderful girl and we need to be with people who really appreciates us for who we are and aren't particularly bothered by our flaws. The reality is that my flaws bother you...a lot and your flaws bother me a lot. We are clearly not right for each other. We do not make each other happy. I think the hardest part is that we each see the other's potential and I think that we both understand that if circumstances were a little different we could be phenomenal together. I truly believe that we could potentially be phenomenal together but right now we are clearly not phenomenal. These hours we spend fighting on the phone are sooooo not phenomenal! (I know you agree with that! LOL!).

Being the hopeless romantic that I am I will hold on to the dream that maybe one day in another place at another time we will meet again and perhaps then I will be the woman that you really want and need and you will be that man for me. While I recognize that may never happen a girl can always dream...

I thank you for all the things you have taught me about life. I feel that in knowing you I have become a better person. I plan to continue to use those lessons that you have taught me to be the best me that I can be. I truly believe that God put you in my life for a season and a reason. I thank Him for you and I have no regrets.

One last thought, God loves us so much, so much. The bible tells us to delight ourselves in Him and He will give us the desires of our heart. In Matthew 7 he tells us to ask and we shall receive and then goes on to say that, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" God is fully capable of giving us exactly what we want. If you want a woman who doesn't come across to you or anyone else as arrogant or elitist, He will give you a woman who doesn't come across that way. She will be that way when you first meet her, you won't have to help her become that way. When the right one comes we won't have to feel like we are settling. We won't have to feel like we need to change him or her to tweak them into the right person for us, it will just be right and easy. It will just simply fit without a lot of effort. That is certainly not to say that person will be perfect but they will be perfect for us. God loves us enough to give us exactly what we want. Just like how God loves me soooooooo much to give me the exact type of tea that I want on a day that I was feeling blue (I think I told you that story). God knows that I love presents and despite all he has already done for me he saw it fit to miraculously deliver my favorite type of tea in the world, on a day that I really needed to feel his love. That is the kind of God he is!!! Thinking about that BLOWS ME AWAY--seriously. I mean the God that created the heavens and earth cares that much about me to care about the most mundane details of my life.

Certainly if he can find a way to bring the right tea to me from across the seas, he can certainly do that with a man (or a woman for you). I am sorry I think I am preaching to myself. LOL! (writing is very therapeutic for me)

I understand that right now we probably need time and space to heal. I know that you said that you have no desire to be friends with me but please know that you will always have a special place in my heart and will always be in my prayers. Should you ever change your mind and decide that you wouldn't mind being aquaintances or friends my door is always open. If in the future you happen to be in Boston or DC and want to get together for coffee or lunch just let me know.

I am sure you are probably tired of e-mails from me by now. Thank you for reading this one. I promise not to harrass you, don't worry.

I love you Mr J. I always will. I love you enough to want you to be ridiculously happy with the love of your life. I want you to be with someone who, as far as you are concerned makes you feel like the luckiest guy in the world, the luckiest. Sometimes loving someone enough means letting them go. In my heart of hearts I believe that as much as I hate to, I believe that I need to let you go. So go and be happy and please don't ever settle for second best.

Lady Tee

_________________________________________________________

The epilogue:
It turns out that Mr J is a total idiot and when things don't go his way he acts like a real jerk. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not know how to be a friend or show basic human decency towards me. Consequently, my offer for friendship has been rescinded. Frankly, I need friends like him about as much as I need bullet in my head.

quote of the day: paradoxes of love/ eeat love pray

"Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equaly measure."

A line from "Eat Love Pray" by Elizabeth Gilbert

Quote of the day: wisdom from Arnett

"Tee...don't be so eager to pursue that which is pursuing you. You need to chill."

Arnett (a friend)

When love hurts part 3: Change what you are doing

There is a whole genre of christian dating books. Their target audience is usually in their late teens, early twenties, white, living close to their families. Basically an audience that I can't relate to. "I kissed dating goodbye" is one of the books in this genre. The author is, of course, white. He married his God-sent, blond beauty by the age of twenty-five or so and basically can't relate to the experience of being a thirty-something, potentially threatening, black female in a society that is constantly throwing statistics at you about the scarcity of good black men. So I take what he says with a grain of salt.

I read "I kissed dating goodbye" many years ago. I can't remeber any details from the book. All I remember is: 1) feeling like I couldn't relate to the author; and 2) that the point of the book is that the author stopped dating and started courting with the purpose of marriage in mind...or something along those lines.

Lately, I have been really yearning to change Mr J. I wish, oh how I wish, I could make him love me...but as the old song says "...I can't make you love me if you don't..." lately I have been thinking about the whole idea of change and what motivates people to change. I decided that people only change at the point when it becomes too uncomfortable to keep the status quo. I think that is a point that is worth repeating: people only change at the point when it becomes too uncomfortable to keep the status quo

That being said, dating has become altogether too painful for me. They way I have been doing things 1. Is not working; 2. Is resulting in too much (unnecessary) pain. It is time for a change. My dating life must evolve. When I was young(er) my dating life revolved around finding Mr. Right Now. He didn't have to be husband or father material as long as we had fun together and he treated me well. Then I got a little older and people around me started getting married and I decided to make my dating more purposeful, the search for Mr Right Forever was on. I started analyzing credit reports, perspectives on child rearing, marriage philosophies, spiritual convictions--the kind of stuff that is important if you are planning on living happily ever after. However, this strategy has resulted in quite a bit of pain. Now I am ready to move on to the next phase.

This next phase I will call, "Kissing dating goodbye/ Letting go and letting God." I believe in friendship and I certainly believe in marriage but I think I have lost my faith in dating. I think it is time to cut the middle man out. With all the intelligence that I have I tried to strategically create a scenario that would inevitably lead to happily ever after but it failed miserably. I found a man with all the things on my proverbial list:
God loving
A gentleman
Tall
Dark
Handsome
Loves kids
Wants to be married
Loves his mama
Good credit
Good job
In shape
So many interests in common
Supportive of my career
Sends flowers
Calls regularly
Awesome family
Never married
No kids
Well educated
...the list goes on...

Paradoxically, despite the fact that he was all those things and overall a wonderful person the relationship was still pretty much a disaster. Well dang!!! With all of my intellectual abilities I certainly thought that this would be a match made in heaven. I was wrong. I now realize where I went wrong. I relied on my own intelligence and not on God. In my eagerness to find Mr. Right I did not stop to consult God, I charged fully ahead...to meet a disastrous end. Even now as I am stranded in Houston as a direct result of this debaucle of a relationship that I have gotten myself into, I am mad at myself for not waiting on the Lord. Hindsight is always 20/20 and thank goodness we serve a merciful God who is merciful despite ourselves.

The bible says:
Isaiah 55:8-9
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 3:5
5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

1 Corithians 2:9
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

Ephesians 3:20
20Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Psalm 37:4
4Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

This leads me to a few conclusions. It has taken me a while to recognize this...hold your breath this is going to be deep (sigh):

1. God is smarter than me
2. God's ways are better than my ways
3.God, the creator of the universe, might actually be better than me at identifying the perfect mate for me.
4. Only he can give me more than I ever thought or imagined. He can give me things that I want that I never even realized I wanted (that's deep)
5. If I am patient and I trust him, he will give me the desires of my heart

Why has it taken so long for me to come to this realization?!!! I guess there is no point in asking why, it is better to thank God for having the realization at all. From this day on I am believing in God for my husband, a God-fearing man of faith, who loves me with all his heart mind and soul who loves me as Christ loves the church. That is the kind of husband God wants me to have (ephesians 5:25-7). To settle for anything else would be settling for less than God's best.

When this man comes into my life God will let me know that he is "the one." God will also let the guy know that "I am the one." I will not be so eager to jump into a relationship. I will be patient. I will use self-restraint. I will wait on God to tell me to move forward. I will pray about the relationship...and actually be willing to listen to what God says.

On this day, March 14 2008, I too am kissing dating goodbye. I am letting go and letting God. I am abandoning my search for Mr Right and waiting on Mr. God Sent. I am learning to be patient.

When love hurts (the series) part one. Close to the edge

Have you ever seen that part in the movie when the girl (or guy) is standing around minding their own business and all of a sudden the hero tackles them to the ground or pushes them out of harms way? The unsuspecting loved one initially has no idea what hit them. Their first instinct is to say to the hero, "what the heck did you do that for? That hurt." Then they realize that by pushing them down or out of the way the hero was able to remove them from harms way. It could have been a moving bus, a bullet, a bomb or something that the unsuspecting loved one couldn't see but the hero could. That scene is played out all the time in movies.

Recently I have been blindly walking towards the edge of a cliff with a really precipitous fall. For some reason my blinders were on in full force. All I could see was the pretty blue sky, the sun shining, the birds chirping not realizing that all the while I was about to fall off this cliff. A friend who loves me dearly tried to tell me gently that I was about to walk off a cliff but I could not hear her. So she started to talk even louder to the point where she had to basically whack me back into reality. I will tell you that the whack hurt. I even became angry at the friend. I mean here I was trying to enjoy my walk on what seemed to be a beautiful day and she wanted to rain on my parade and I was angry at her for that. Then one day God removed the blinders from my eyes and I was finally able to see the cliff and it was really really really deep. The consequences of falling of would have permanently and deeply damaging. It was only at that point that I was able to appreciate what my friend had done for me. If she had continued to be gentle, delicate and soft spoken I probably would have missed the message but it was only because she whacked me back into reality and started to talk really loud that I started to pay attention. I am glad I did.

The moral of this story is never be afraid of telling someone the truth in love. Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes people are not ready to hear it but if you really care about someone and you see them walking off a cliff you are doing them a disservice by not saying anything to them. Love is patient. Be patient with your loved ones and allow them the space to come to their own realizations. However, if you see them quickly approaching a cliff know that you might have to whack some sense into them.

If you are the person who someone is trying to talk some sense into--listen. If you know that that person loves you, has your best interests at heart, and knows what they are talking about (that part is important--don't suffer fools) then listen. Consider for a second that maybe that person does know what they are talking about. Listen.

To the person who I am referring to in this post (you know who you are) thank you. Thank you for loving me enough to not let me self-destruct. Thank you for loving me enough to tell me the truth even though it hurt and even though I really wasn't trying to hear it. Thank you. I appreciate you and I thank God for putting you in my life.