“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Abraham Lincoln
I am back from India and jetlagged. That is why I am blogging at 4am in the morning. I keep thinking back to a couple of days ago when I acted foolishly. The funny thing is that I didn’t think that I was acting foolish. I thought that by being silent I wasn’t saying a word. Unfortunately my face always betrays me and I forgot to take into account that about 70% of communication is non-verbal. Even though I didn’t say a word, a message was conveyed loud and clear.
So Mr J surprised me and met me at the airport when I arrived in Boston. I was so happy to see him! Not knowing that he was coming I had already asked my girlfriend Jackie to give me a ride home from the airport. She was gracious and kind enough to get her butt out of bed on a Saturday morning to pick us up. As a way of showing our appreciation Mr. J invited her to join us for lunch. I was a bit disappointed because I had not seen or talked to him for a whole month and I really wanted to catch up with him. However, it was the right thing to do so I squelched my disappointment (or at least I thought I did) and tried to go with the flow. Unfortunately my face never lies and according to Mr J my discontent was pretty obvious.
At the restaurant things only got worse for me. Have you ever been out with two friends who have known each other since childhood? They start talking about people you have never met and places you have never been and you really can’t relate. Well Mr J and Jackie are both avid sports fans and golfers, subjects I know zilch about. They started talking about golf courses they had been to and different sports players. I felt left out of the conversation. I knew it wasn’t deliberate so I made some feeble attempts to include myself in the conversation. In the meantime the crazy insecurity voices in my head started: Wow. They are really getting along well. Maybe Mr J would rather be with someone like Jackie. She is gorgeous, smart, likes football and golf. I think he might like her more than me. The reality is that they were having a perfectly innocent conversation and I should have been glad that he was making an effort to relate to my friend. The sad thing is that while these thoughts were going through my mind I recognized that they were totally irrational but I could not stop thinking them! While I did not say a word my face said it all. Later on Mr J tried to ask me what was wrong. He is a little bit too good at noticing my mood swings. I tried to blame it on jetlag. He did not really buy it but he let it go. There was no way I could tell him that the truth was I had issues that I need to work on. So I said nothing. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
At some point in time we all have to confront our demons. There are times that we feel like we have conquered our demons but then there are times when they come back and bite is in the butt. For the record let me say:
I HAVE ISSUES (simply said I am a bit crazy)
One of my issues is that I am a perfectionist. I feel like I have to do everything perfectly or I won’t be loved (it sounds crazy when I write it down but I already said I was crazy). This applies to all aspects of life. I am really really hard on myself when I make a mistake. For some reason I don’t always give myself permission to be human. These feelings result in two things: 1) Other people are hard on me (people will always reflect what you project); 2) I am hard on others (although never as hard as I am on myself) and my expectations for those closest to me are sky high.
The problem is that when I focus on mistakes I rob myself of the opportunity to celebrate accomplishments. I distinctly remember not too long ago taking a test. I got all but one question right, a 98%. All I could focus on was that one question that I got wrong and how I should have known the answer and had it not been for my stupidity I could have had a perfect score. Have you ever written down your crazy thoughts and thought “wow that sounds a whole lot crazier on paper”? The reality of the situation was that: 1) 98% was an excellent grade; 2) Getting 100% would not have changed anything. I was still going to get the same grade in the class; 3) Ultimately my grades (as long as I passed) do not matter that much in the greater scheme of things. When was the last time you asked your doctor what grade they got in epidemiology?
I must admit that I have gotten better over the years. I am more accepting of my mistakes than I have been before. Am I where I need to be? No but I am heading in the right direction and I celebrate that. I affirm me. Despite my apparent craziness the Bible tells me that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14). It says that he that has begun a good work in me will carry it on unto completion until the day of Christ (Phillipians 1:6). He knew me [and all of my psychoses] before He formed me in my mother’s womb and set me apart (Jeremiah 1:5).
It is good to have a God that unconditionally loves and accepts us despite our many many flaws. There is nothing we can ever do to deserve the love of God. All we can do is show him that we love Him. Most of our relationships in life are based on our performance: show up late enough times to work and you will be looking for another employer, be verbally abusive to your partner and you will be single soon enough. God’s love is the one thing that is constant, all other ground is sinking sand. Despite ourselves nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:35). That is powerful.
Once I can learn to internalize these truths and really have them permeate my spirit I know that through Him I can conquer my fears and insecurities which are rooted in a fear of abandonment and rejection.
I am grateful to God for creating situations that force me to recognize my dependence on Him. My struggles and trials draw me closer to Him, to a place of rest, peace, joy, love. What could be better?
One last thing, I am scheduling an appointment with my therapist. LOL!
