Sisters I am mad at you! I am actually angry at Mr J but I can’t help but hold you partially responsible too. Let me just preface this by saying that I am very old fashioned when it comes to dating. I truly believe that back in the day there was a respected order when it came to dating and that order existed for a reason but us modern day, wanna be independent, bad-by myself, I-can-bring-home-the-bacon-and-fry-it-too chicks have fugged it up. Sisters we have fugged up the dating order royally! You can almost not blame the men for not knowing how to act (I said almost).
Now I wish that I could say that what you do in the privacy of your bedroom and relationships is your business and has nothing to do with me, unfortunately that’s not the case. Your willingness to act desperate, tolerate mediocrity, or be treated like anything less than the queen that you are, affects the attitude of the guys you leave behind. Husbands could not cheat if there were not women willing to cheat with them. What disturbs me the most about adultery that is men don’t even have to lie about being married anymore because they know there are women who will tolerate that crap. They don’t even have to lie! What the heck?! We actually might be better off if some women were removed from our society permanently. I have encountered many men in my life, a lot of great ones and a lot of ones full of crap (FOC). I try to minimize my time with the FOC ones, thankfully I have been largely successful. However, for everyman that has approached me with some bull crap nonsense, I know that the reason why he feels that he can get away with it is because there are some SISTERS who will totally go for it. Whether we are talking about the guy with the disrespectful comment about my butt or the one proposing sex before the first date, or the married man who wants to go out, some SISTER is accepting this! Why, why why?! Why can’t we love and respect ourselves enough to choose to only deal with men who love and respect us?
While I know that book “The Rules” creates controversy in any discussion, I think that before we totally dismiss such books we need to take a closer look. I assume that most people have heard about this bestselling, very controversial book that outlines the rules for dating with advice like “never accept a weekend date after Wednesday.” The basic premise of the book is: 1) Have a life (if you don’t have one pretend you do); 2) Don’t act desperate; 3) Don’t play yourself. None of us would argue about the value and importance of these three things. Some people argue that we should not have to “play games” and that you should just “be yourself.” Maybe so, they might have a point there. However, I would argue that if “being you” equates to being desperate, easy and non-self respecting then maybe you need to check yourself before trying to involve yourself with anyone else. Another problem that people have with the book is the absoluteness of the statements of the book. I think the reason why the authors made the rules very strict and absolute is that once people start bending the rules there is no telling how far they would go. We women are very good at rationalizing. Now virtually ALL men hate the idea of “the rules”. If you asked most men they would tell you that they would never ever be with a “Rules girl.” However, if you examine the women who men actually commit to (and treat well), they are not easy, desperate, stupid, and they do have lives that don’t completely revolve around their men. These women might not have obeyed the letter of the “Rules laws” but they certainly had the spirit. I mean, if you really think about it a man that calls you on Friday afternoon for a Friday night date is probably using you as a back up or some sort of after thought and who wants that?! I think there is value in being with a man who really wants to be with you and is not afraid to show it with his actions.
A man who is truly interested in a woman will exhibit certain behaviors almost universally. That man will want to call, he will want to spend time with you, he will respect you (provided you respect yourself), and he will want to buy you romantic gifts or do special things for you. I am not saying he will do all of these things 100% percent of the time but if he is not doing most of these things then guess what? He is just not that into you. Who wants to be with someone who is not that into them? Not I. Men are hunters by nature. They like to conquer and are often bored quickly with easy prey. When you start chasing men, asking men out, showering them with gifts, proposing marriage or being the one to put all of the effort into the relationship, you are out of order. Period. While this might work for some people this has not been the case in the marriages and relationships that I respect and admire. I am not saying there is anything inherently wrong with any of these things but when the woman is the one making most of the effort in a relationship, it’s never a good look.
Another thing sisters, stop lying to yourself about the relationship that you are in. And believe a man when he tells you about himself. If he tells you he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, please believe that he is not ready to be in a committed relationship. Just because a man has sex with you four nights a week does not mean that he is your man. Be honest about your relationship and act consistently with your relationship. If you are not exclusively dating and that is your desire, don’t act like a girlfriend cuz if you ain’t, you ain’t. For example, if you are not exclusively dating a guy there is no reason why you should be shacking up in his house every other night. For what? I personally don’t feel like there is any good reason to shack up or play house unless you are married or have definite plans to be married in the immediate future. I would ask, what is the hurry? If he is truly the one for you, then you have the rest of your life to pick up his dirty socks/ drawers. If he is not the one for you then living separately makes it a lot easier to move on with your life once you have figured that out. You don’t need to live with someone to determine compatibility. The point that I am trying to make is that as a lady there are ways to conduct yourself when you are getting to know someone that are different than the ways you conduct yourself when you are dating exclusively, that are different than when you are engaged, that are different than when you are married. Each season of a relationship has a special value and place that gets lost when you are too busy trying to exist in a different season. As my dad likes to say, “be in the present moment.”
Lastly, be purposeful in your dating. Know what you want to get out of dating and be honest with yourself. If you want to get married then acknowledge and respect that. If you want to play the field, make sure that you can really handle that. Know yourself.
To sum it all up (for my sake if not for yours) remember these four things:
Love and respect yourself always
Only deal with people who love and respect you.
Stop lying to yourself about your relationship
Be purposeful about who you spent your time and energy with. Rather than wasting your time with losers you could be finding ways to save the world.
Now I wish that I could say that what you do in the privacy of your bedroom and relationships is your business and has nothing to do with me, unfortunately that’s not the case. Your willingness to act desperate, tolerate mediocrity, or be treated like anything less than the queen that you are, affects the attitude of the guys you leave behind. Husbands could not cheat if there were not women willing to cheat with them. What disturbs me the most about adultery that is men don’t even have to lie about being married anymore because they know there are women who will tolerate that crap. They don’t even have to lie! What the heck?! We actually might be better off if some women were removed from our society permanently. I have encountered many men in my life, a lot of great ones and a lot of ones full of crap (FOC). I try to minimize my time with the FOC ones, thankfully I have been largely successful. However, for everyman that has approached me with some bull crap nonsense, I know that the reason why he feels that he can get away with it is because there are some SISTERS who will totally go for it. Whether we are talking about the guy with the disrespectful comment about my butt or the one proposing sex before the first date, or the married man who wants to go out, some SISTER is accepting this! Why, why why?! Why can’t we love and respect ourselves enough to choose to only deal with men who love and respect us?
While I know that book “The Rules” creates controversy in any discussion, I think that before we totally dismiss such books we need to take a closer look. I assume that most people have heard about this bestselling, very controversial book that outlines the rules for dating with advice like “never accept a weekend date after Wednesday.” The basic premise of the book is: 1) Have a life (if you don’t have one pretend you do); 2) Don’t act desperate; 3) Don’t play yourself. None of us would argue about the value and importance of these three things. Some people argue that we should not have to “play games” and that you should just “be yourself.” Maybe so, they might have a point there. However, I would argue that if “being you” equates to being desperate, easy and non-self respecting then maybe you need to check yourself before trying to involve yourself with anyone else. Another problem that people have with the book is the absoluteness of the statements of the book. I think the reason why the authors made the rules very strict and absolute is that once people start bending the rules there is no telling how far they would go. We women are very good at rationalizing. Now virtually ALL men hate the idea of “the rules”. If you asked most men they would tell you that they would never ever be with a “Rules girl.” However, if you examine the women who men actually commit to (and treat well), they are not easy, desperate, stupid, and they do have lives that don’t completely revolve around their men. These women might not have obeyed the letter of the “Rules laws” but they certainly had the spirit. I mean, if you really think about it a man that calls you on Friday afternoon for a Friday night date is probably using you as a back up or some sort of after thought and who wants that?! I think there is value in being with a man who really wants to be with you and is not afraid to show it with his actions.
A man who is truly interested in a woman will exhibit certain behaviors almost universally. That man will want to call, he will want to spend time with you, he will respect you (provided you respect yourself), and he will want to buy you romantic gifts or do special things for you. I am not saying he will do all of these things 100% percent of the time but if he is not doing most of these things then guess what? He is just not that into you. Who wants to be with someone who is not that into them? Not I. Men are hunters by nature. They like to conquer and are often bored quickly with easy prey. When you start chasing men, asking men out, showering them with gifts, proposing marriage or being the one to put all of the effort into the relationship, you are out of order. Period. While this might work for some people this has not been the case in the marriages and relationships that I respect and admire. I am not saying there is anything inherently wrong with any of these things but when the woman is the one making most of the effort in a relationship, it’s never a good look.
Another thing sisters, stop lying to yourself about the relationship that you are in. And believe a man when he tells you about himself. If he tells you he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, please believe that he is not ready to be in a committed relationship. Just because a man has sex with you four nights a week does not mean that he is your man. Be honest about your relationship and act consistently with your relationship. If you are not exclusively dating and that is your desire, don’t act like a girlfriend cuz if you ain’t, you ain’t. For example, if you are not exclusively dating a guy there is no reason why you should be shacking up in his house every other night. For what? I personally don’t feel like there is any good reason to shack up or play house unless you are married or have definite plans to be married in the immediate future. I would ask, what is the hurry? If he is truly the one for you, then you have the rest of your life to pick up his dirty socks/ drawers. If he is not the one for you then living separately makes it a lot easier to move on with your life once you have figured that out. You don’t need to live with someone to determine compatibility. The point that I am trying to make is that as a lady there are ways to conduct yourself when you are getting to know someone that are different than the ways you conduct yourself when you are dating exclusively, that are different than when you are engaged, that are different than when you are married. Each season of a relationship has a special value and place that gets lost when you are too busy trying to exist in a different season. As my dad likes to say, “be in the present moment.”
Lastly, be purposeful in your dating. Know what you want to get out of dating and be honest with yourself. If you want to get married then acknowledge and respect that. If you want to play the field, make sure that you can really handle that. Know yourself.
To sum it all up (for my sake if not for yours) remember these four things:
Love and respect yourself always
Only deal with people who love and respect you.
Stop lying to yourself about your relationship
Be purposeful about who you spent your time and energy with. Rather than wasting your time with losers you could be finding ways to save the world.
If all of us sisters do this maybe we can start a revolution and force the men in this world to man up and step up their game.
2 comments:
WOW, I thought women like you didn't exist anymore. Women now days have lost their ever lasting minds in pursuit of a husband. I couldn't agree with you more. I tell my girlfriends, especially the desperate ones that they are enabling this non-sense between men and women these days. Sisters that have some decency about themselves are catching hell trying to meet and marry a decent man because men's perspective on relationships is so twisted. Their expectation of a women is off the charts. Virtue is no longer valued so they can care less about you abstaining until marriage which is the way God designed sex to be enjoyed. That's foreign to men now days. They want it now with no strings attached. And the sad part is stupid women are trying to have that same mindset. The problem is, although society is forever changing, the biology of a man and women will never change neither will God's word. Thats why some women are walking around here with their heart's broken and confused because they are trying to act like a man, emotionally detached but they can't handle the FWB situations and consequently they become desperate and willing to do whatever it takes to hold on to a piece a man. Good post!
Thanks Tmichelle. The saddest part is that a lot of these men are the ones sitting in the second row of church. Sigh. We need to start a "women with standards" support club! LOL!
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