This morning I am heartbroken. This morning my step dad in South Africa called. We are not close but we certainly have a good working relationship. He is looking for my dad, who is also in South Africa. He hasn’t been able to get in touch with him (typical) and wanted to know if he is out of the country. He then proceeds to talk to me about his life since we last spoke…he has been in the hospital…high blood pressure…new job contract…blah blah blah. I tell him to exercise and eat right…blah blah blah. Just as we are about to get off the phone after a pleasant conversation he drops a bomb on me. “Did you hear that L died?” I was stunned. L was (I can’t believe I am using past tense) she was my cousin who I grew up with in Swaziland. She was younger than me but older than my brother so she must have been in her mid twenties. A thousand things are running through my mind: I can’t believe it! How? What? When? Why? Did she ever make up with her mom?She died in March of this year. No one told me. She was afflicted by the same disease that affects 1 in 3 people in the small country of Swaziland. She died of AIDS. Most likely through heterosexual sex. No one knew she had it until two weeks before she died. There are many tragic things about this story:
1. In the United States AIDS has become more of chronic disease where people live for years and years with the virus if it is detected early enough. It does not have to be a death sentence.
2. My father successfully treats patients with AIDS in South Africa. If we had known he very easily could have treated her. It would have been his pleasure to do so.
3. There are so many resources available but she just did not have access to them
4. She was so young and full of potential. Now she is just another victim of a tragic epidemic.
I can’t imagine how I would feel if one bad decision made in my twenties led to a death sentence. It is really only by the grace of God that I live. The last time I saw my cousin, about two years ago, she was not talking to her mother. I urged her to reconcile with her mother. After losing my own mother I realized the importance of not holding grudges, forgiveness and appreciating each day that we are given with the ones we love. Tomorrow might never come. After hearing about cousin L, I really hoped that she had resolved things with her mom before she passed. It is always hard to lose a loved one but even harder when there are issues left unresolved. I called my auntie hoping that my stepfather had somehow misunderstood, that it was all some horrible mistake. It wasn’t. Cousin L really died. She is really dead. Wow. Just writing those words brings tears to my eyes. I was happy to learn that before she died she had reunited with her mother. Her mother had forgiven her over a year before her death and then reiterated her forgiveness on her death bed. Hearing her mother tell her for the last time that she loved her and forgave her, gave her the peace that she needed and she died almost immediately afterwards.
It is so hard to be away from family. Whereas they had a funeral and each other to comfort themselves during a hard time, I have to process this information alone. I have no funeral or gravestone where I can go to mourn and pay my respects. Instead I have to find a way to mourn for myself, by myself without the support of family who are feeling the same loss. What do I do with my tears? This is hard.
There are many things that we can learn from cousin L. I wish I could have shared these things with her but maybe this can benefit someone else:
1. AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are for real.
2. Please please please protect yourself. I know too many people who are too ready to discard the condoms because “she is a nice girl” or “we are in a committed relationship”. PULEEEEZ. So even though all day every day you see MARRIED men and women cheating on each other, people who have committed before their friends, families and God to be faithful, you think your little BOYFRIEND won’t cheat. Why? Because he loves you? Come on now. I am not saying that everyone out there is cheating but everyone out there can cheat and you owe it to yourself to protect yourself at least until he puts a ring on your finger and walks you down the aisle. If I thought it would make a difference I would start preaching the value of abstaining but it probably won’t, so I won’t even go there. Just remember my cousin who lost her life over some b.s. It doesn’t even have to be AIDS. Herpes lasts a lifetime and HPV can cause cancer, chlamydia is associated with infertility, syphilis can reek have in your body for decades.
3. Get yourself tested. It is really scary to do it. Even when you think there is no way you could have it. Trust me, I have been there. However, it is so much better to know sooner rather than later. Many STD’s can be treated. Many people with HIV have productive lives, get married, and even have children. There are so many drugs out there that will only be effective if taken before the point of no return. There are anonymous testing centers all over the place. Many people will have no symptoms of STD’s and not even realize they have a disease until it is has already done damage. Make an appointment today. Make sure to ask for the common tests ie gonorrhea, chlamydia as well as the less commonly offered tests like hepatitis B, HIV, syphillis. Herpes is usually diagnosed clinically but there are blood tests available if you are particularly concerned.
4. If you are positive get help there are so many resources out there.
5. Get your partner tested for all STD’s and ask for proof. One thing I have learned is that there are many men who will lie to get into some panties. Don’t just ask if a guy/girl has gotten tested. Ask for documentation. And remember that it can take up to six months for an AIDS test to become positive.
6. If you have any squabbles or grudges with any of your family members or friends please reconcile, forgive and love. No one knows how long we have on earth.
7. Take time to show and tell all the people that you love that they are special to you.
Please don’t let cousin L’s death be in vain.
Thanks for taking time out to read this. Be blessed.
Lady Tee
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