Bidnapper is great!

ebay sniper

I made a friend!

I am supposed to be studying so I will have to make this quick...I just wanted to share:
Tonight I had dinner with Lisl. She is also from South Africa. She is gorgeous and funny too boot! Just thinking about her makes me laugh. Best of all she is a Christian.

As if that wasn't good enough the girl is also a expert bargain shopper. She was wearing these fabulous shoes that she paid SIX DOLLARS for. What more could you possibly ask for in a friend?!

I actually made two friends today...my new friend Joe surprised me by bringing dinner to the hospital. He knows that Masa does not let us stop for lunch during the day so by the time night fall comes I am ravenous. How nice was that?! As far as I am concerned if you bring me food that makes you a friend of mine...period.

God is good!

INTRODUCING....

My brother's new blog:
It's called "Move on Up"

the link is:
http://onmyway21.blogspot.com/

It's quite interesting. He was born in Swaziland but moved to America at age 3. At the age of 21, due to circumstances totally out of his control, he was forced to return to his native land to reunite with a family who he had been out of touch with for 17 years. Read about his adventures. He is funny with a biting sense of humor.

Since I won't have time to blog too much I figured I could redirect you to another blog.

Coming soon: an anonymous blog about my adventures at my job...boy do I have stories to tell...

life since my last blog/ lonely but never alone

Since I last wrote, I graduated from Haaaavaaad...yea me!
I move to the nation's capital
I am in the process of buying my first home
And have had a couple of other major life events (no i am not preggo or getting married)
Ironically, my life has slowed down a lot in many ways.
God is still good.

I had to re-read my blog "Jesus as the back up friend" the other day. Being in a city, without family or friends (at least of the variety that stay in the state) can be tough at times. I trust that even though I feel alone God is always with me.

Instead of having a pity party ie. "woe is me...i ain't got nobody" I can choose to be empowered. Knowing that God is there always provides some level of comfort but sometimes it is nice to have human contact. At times like these I remember two things:

1. There is always somebody out there who needs a friend more than you:
The best way to get a friend is to be a friend. Reach out to the widow from church, go to an nursing home befriend and learn from an old lady who experiences by far outnumber your years. Call up that person who is going through a hard time and let them know you care. Sometimes taking the focus off yourself and your own misery helps.

2. Reach out to people and don't be afraid of rejection (it is usually not personal)
There are always people around you (unless you are bedridden and live alone). If you meet someone who seems half way cool ask them for their phone number, ask them what they are doing this weekend. That is how I learned about some of my co-workers plans to go see exotic male dancers...I was so tempted to go. I mean if nudity was so wrong why didn't God create Adam and Even with clothes on? The idea of having a fuwiine man, shake his booty for me at my command, without the expectation of sex or a kiss...all for the price of a Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato sounds rather appealing to me...sigh. I opted not to go.

I am trying to stay holy y'all. I am trying...

I digress.

The point I am trying to make is that if you seek you will find. I asked my friend Damien and learned about a dinner get together that the Oral-Maxillofacial Surgeons were having on Friday night. I was tired so I decided to skip that too. Sometimes you will call people and they won't call back or will not be available-don't take it personally, it's not. When I moved here I only (thought I) knew three people: Deidra, Dan and Monnie. I called Dan but he was on some top secret FBI mission in some country somewhere like Iraq, Hong Kong, Liberia...sigh. I called Monnie, she was flying here and there working on her first Oscar nomination with some super director/actor in some city like Cannes, NYC, San Fran...sigh. I called Deidra initially she was in Paris. I tried her another week, she called back from Malawi...sigh.

Then I remembered my friend from college sweet Ashaki. The problem is Ashaki is a resident/fellow. Residents are pretty much the worst kind of friend to have because they work too dang much...sigh. When you are also a resident it takes almost an act of God to coordinate two resident schedules (I am not kidding)

Then I remembered I had me. I am a pretty cool person to hang out with. I love my own company. I never bore myself and I always know when to be quite. So during restaurant week I took myself out to the oh-so-chi-chi Vidalia restaurant and enjoyed a scrumptious five-course meal all by myself (I wish I had time to write a review). I also enjoyed brunch at my favorite brunch restaurant in the city, Kramer's Afterwords Cafe. I had a lump crabmeat breakfast quesadilla, home fries, fruit, muffins, fresh squeezed orange juice and a strawberry mimosa for $17. Can't beat it! I have also spent time at my favorite place in the city by the river where I can see the monument, the Thomas Jefferson center and the water--best of all its free. On a different night I downloaded a movie on the computer and watched it in bed. (Yes I sleep with my laptop...she is warm, bright and very smart). I supposed you could say I am dating myself (and having an affair with my laptop...hmm) LOL!

Eventually Dan came back from his top secret mission--we are still playing phone tag. Deidra is also in the city (for now). Hopefully Monnie will take some time off after her oscar win and we can catch up. I will continue to pray for a resident on resident meeting with Ashaki (miracles do happen).

I am also making new friends. Both last night and this morning I was able to talk to my roommate who I NEVER see for a few minutes. She is actually really nice. She has got lots of stories! As I hear her tell them I think back warmly to the days when I had multiple date options and suitors...there is something really nice about being wined, dined and appreciated...

However, I also have a deep appreciation for this dessert period in my life without a home, friends, time and most of the material possesions that I thought I needed so much (I never would have believed that it is possible to live life with only FOUR pairs of shoes--evidently it is...sigh.

I thank God for this period of simplicity, humility and stillness. I thank him for the opportunity to commune with Her without too many distractions. I thank him for the opportunity to get to know him better as my friend, confidant, source of strength, peace, provision and joy. God is good. I may never have this time again in my life. I am comforted by the fact that I know that my time in the wilderness is only for a season.

In the meantime, I plan on catching a movie with my new friend Lisl, sunbathing with Chyree at the pool and...going shoe shopping this weekend (I think DSW is having a sale!)

LOL!

Have a great weekend!

blast from the past: that's what friends are for

Do you guys remember this song? This is one of my favorite songs! I dedicate this to all of my cyberspace and real-life friends, keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can count on me through good and bad times. I will be on your side forever more. I love you!

When love hurts part 4: Unrequited love

Dear EA
Today my heart is heavy. While I realized that it could happen I hoped that it never would, things with us have changed. Your calls which started off as plentiful, sweet and full of love are now few, far between and cool. That loving, encouraging, funny EA of old is gone and I am mourning that loss. My heart is heavy. However, God is the ultimate healer of broken hearts. I cast all my cares on him for he cares for me.

You met me at a time when I was emotionally spent and you loved me. You loved me when I needed it the most and had nothing to give in return. I believe that now you are emotionally spent and have nothing left to give. I will not take your “abandonment” personally. I do however want to be there for you like how you were there for me. I imagine that what you need most right now is a good friend who will love you, support you, and encourage you unconditionally without any expectations. I want to be that friend to you. I really do. I just need to get over myself. As the Bible puts it “kill my flesh”

I pray to God to help me love you with his love which is perfect not with my love which is moody, fickle and often conditional. I feel like I have had this test before and failed it…God’s giving me another chance.

I am inspired by the men in my life who have loved me even when the love was unreturned. The Mario’s, Ron’s, Tyrone’s, and Turner’s of my life. Even when all hope was gone for an us, even when it took me months to return a phone call or e-mail they loved me. They taught me about the meaning of love. For that I will be forever grateful.

True love requires sacrifice. I desire to sacrifice myself for you. And if I get nothing from you in return I will still be grateful because you will have taught me how to love.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

To my earth angel*

*Biblically there is no such thing as an earth angel but I just don't know how else to describe him...

Dear Mr. EA
I call you my angel of hope because you have made it possible for me to believe in the possibility of love. I know that the way I feel around you is the way I should feel. I feel like you get me. You understand my imperfections but do not hold them against me. You think I am great, all that and a bag of chips. That is how it should be.

At this point I have no idea what will become of us. I might leave San Diego and never see you again. You might fall in love with another girl next week. On the other hand we might fall in love, f___ like jackrabbits, have some cute babies and live happily ever after. All these things exist within the realm of possibilities. I welcome all of these possibilities because I am confident that in the end all things will work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. One thing I do know for sure is that I will always be grateful to you for being my angel for these few days. Please know that I appreciate you.


I sent him a card that said the following (it's important to let people know you appreciate them):
I just wanted to express my gratitude to you for helping me believe again in the possibility of love. Irrespective of what happens after today, please know that I will always be grateful to you for being my angel for these few days. You are appreciated.

Rest assured that all things will work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. Your best days are still to come.
1 Corinthians 2:9 says, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" (NIV)

Keep believing, God is faithful.

Been so long

I have been around the world and back again. This weekend will mark the eighth consecutive weekend that I have been away from home.
God has been so good to me, so good. In ways greater than I ever could imagine. He has showered me with blessings, shown me his favor and put some divine connections in my life.

Just last night a man I had never met before saw it fit to give me the best rack of lamb that I have ever had in my life before (for free)...and no it wasn't a date...and no he didn't ask for my number...and no I didn't even have to eat them in his presence. He gave them to me free and clear with no strings attached and boy were they good!!!

God is good. His word is true he gives us the desires of our heart often times when we least expect it! I am getting excited just thinking about it.

My life has been so fantastic since Mr J has been out of it. I got my hair did and a massage. I look good I feel good. I even got a prestigious national medical association (only by his grace)!

And I had the opportunity to apply for an internship to put on a health TV show that will help me reach millions of people with messages of hope. How cool would that be?! The verdict is out in May.

So that has been my life over the past few months. I have written a few things but have not posted too many.

I feel led to share today. Read on!

Be blessed.

When love hurts part 2: When loving means letting go

Those of us with rescuer personalities always want to save people from themselves. Sometimes the only way we can truly help a person is by letting them go, refusing to enable their dysfunction.

When people are not loving us in the way that we need and deserve to be loved the only way to love ourselves is by letting go.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel that you are not good enough. If you need to be reminded of your TRUE identity (according to the most high God) please read my blog entitled "do you know who I am"

Because I love myself and I also love Mr. J I realized that the only solution was to let him go. We always make people better for the next woman. Hopefully in relationships we learn the lessons we need to and use them to make our next relationship even better. I do. I hope Mr J does too. I doubt it though, he is a little too high on himself to think that he might actually learn something from me...idiot

Anyhow the following is the letter that I wrote him to end our jacked up relationship:

Subject: You deserve to be, God wants you to be and I want you to be ridiculously happy

E-mail body:
To My Dearest Mr J,
Thank you so much for your time on the phone today. I think we started off pretty well...I am sorry about how it ended. I had really hoped that things would end with us on a better note. Oh well...

I think that you were right, relationships shouldn't be so stressful or difficult...especially in the beginning.
I think the reason why we were having so much difficulty is because we kept trying to force something that didn't fit. As much as you love me and as much as I love you and as much fun as we have when we are together, we don't fit. We look good in theory but in reality we don't work. At first I was in denial but then I had to face the truth. You deserve to be with someone who you are absolutely crazy about, who you think is the best thing since sliced bread. You deserve to be with someone who already has those qualities that are most important to you in a mate. You also deserve to be with someone who is equally as crazy about you. I am more than confident that you will find that woman and with her you will be ridiculously happy and feel fulfilled.

I deserve those things too. The truth is that you are a flawed but fantastic guy and am an imperfect but wonderful girl and we need to be with people who really appreciates us for who we are and aren't particularly bothered by our flaws. The reality is that my flaws bother you...a lot and your flaws bother me a lot. We are clearly not right for each other. We do not make each other happy. I think the hardest part is that we each see the other's potential and I think that we both understand that if circumstances were a little different we could be phenomenal together. I truly believe that we could potentially be phenomenal together but right now we are clearly not phenomenal. These hours we spend fighting on the phone are sooooo not phenomenal! (I know you agree with that! LOL!).

Being the hopeless romantic that I am I will hold on to the dream that maybe one day in another place at another time we will meet again and perhaps then I will be the woman that you really want and need and you will be that man for me. While I recognize that may never happen a girl can always dream...

I thank you for all the things you have taught me about life. I feel that in knowing you I have become a better person. I plan to continue to use those lessons that you have taught me to be the best me that I can be. I truly believe that God put you in my life for a season and a reason. I thank Him for you and I have no regrets.

One last thought, God loves us so much, so much. The bible tells us to delight ourselves in Him and He will give us the desires of our heart. In Matthew 7 he tells us to ask and we shall receive and then goes on to say that, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" God is fully capable of giving us exactly what we want. If you want a woman who doesn't come across to you or anyone else as arrogant or elitist, He will give you a woman who doesn't come across that way. She will be that way when you first meet her, you won't have to help her become that way. When the right one comes we won't have to feel like we are settling. We won't have to feel like we need to change him or her to tweak them into the right person for us, it will just be right and easy. It will just simply fit without a lot of effort. That is certainly not to say that person will be perfect but they will be perfect for us. God loves us enough to give us exactly what we want. Just like how God loves me soooooooo much to give me the exact type of tea that I want on a day that I was feeling blue (I think I told you that story). God knows that I love presents and despite all he has already done for me he saw it fit to miraculously deliver my favorite type of tea in the world, on a day that I really needed to feel his love. That is the kind of God he is!!! Thinking about that BLOWS ME AWAY--seriously. I mean the God that created the heavens and earth cares that much about me to care about the most mundane details of my life.

Certainly if he can find a way to bring the right tea to me from across the seas, he can certainly do that with a man (or a woman for you). I am sorry I think I am preaching to myself. LOL! (writing is very therapeutic for me)

I understand that right now we probably need time and space to heal. I know that you said that you have no desire to be friends with me but please know that you will always have a special place in my heart and will always be in my prayers. Should you ever change your mind and decide that you wouldn't mind being aquaintances or friends my door is always open. If in the future you happen to be in Boston or DC and want to get together for coffee or lunch just let me know.

I am sure you are probably tired of e-mails from me by now. Thank you for reading this one. I promise not to harrass you, don't worry.

I love you Mr J. I always will. I love you enough to want you to be ridiculously happy with the love of your life. I want you to be with someone who, as far as you are concerned makes you feel like the luckiest guy in the world, the luckiest. Sometimes loving someone enough means letting them go. In my heart of hearts I believe that as much as I hate to, I believe that I need to let you go. So go and be happy and please don't ever settle for second best.

Lady Tee

_________________________________________________________

The epilogue:
It turns out that Mr J is a total idiot and when things don't go his way he acts like a real jerk. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not know how to be a friend or show basic human decency towards me. Consequently, my offer for friendship has been rescinded. Frankly, I need friends like him about as much as I need bullet in my head.

quote of the day: paradoxes of love/ eeat love pray

"Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equaly measure."

A line from "Eat Love Pray" by Elizabeth Gilbert

Quote of the day: wisdom from Arnett

"Tee...don't be so eager to pursue that which is pursuing you. You need to chill."

Arnett (a friend)

When love hurts part 3: Change what you are doing

There is a whole genre of christian dating books. Their target audience is usually in their late teens, early twenties, white, living close to their families. Basically an audience that I can't relate to. "I kissed dating goodbye" is one of the books in this genre. The author is, of course, white. He married his God-sent, blond beauty by the age of twenty-five or so and basically can't relate to the experience of being a thirty-something, potentially threatening, black female in a society that is constantly throwing statistics at you about the scarcity of good black men. So I take what he says with a grain of salt.

I read "I kissed dating goodbye" many years ago. I can't remeber any details from the book. All I remember is: 1) feeling like I couldn't relate to the author; and 2) that the point of the book is that the author stopped dating and started courting with the purpose of marriage in mind...or something along those lines.

Lately, I have been really yearning to change Mr J. I wish, oh how I wish, I could make him love me...but as the old song says "...I can't make you love me if you don't..." lately I have been thinking about the whole idea of change and what motivates people to change. I decided that people only change at the point when it becomes too uncomfortable to keep the status quo. I think that is a point that is worth repeating: people only change at the point when it becomes too uncomfortable to keep the status quo

That being said, dating has become altogether too painful for me. They way I have been doing things 1. Is not working; 2. Is resulting in too much (unnecessary) pain. It is time for a change. My dating life must evolve. When I was young(er) my dating life revolved around finding Mr. Right Now. He didn't have to be husband or father material as long as we had fun together and he treated me well. Then I got a little older and people around me started getting married and I decided to make my dating more purposeful, the search for Mr Right Forever was on. I started analyzing credit reports, perspectives on child rearing, marriage philosophies, spiritual convictions--the kind of stuff that is important if you are planning on living happily ever after. However, this strategy has resulted in quite a bit of pain. Now I am ready to move on to the next phase.

This next phase I will call, "Kissing dating goodbye/ Letting go and letting God." I believe in friendship and I certainly believe in marriage but I think I have lost my faith in dating. I think it is time to cut the middle man out. With all the intelligence that I have I tried to strategically create a scenario that would inevitably lead to happily ever after but it failed miserably. I found a man with all the things on my proverbial list:
God loving
A gentleman
Tall
Dark
Handsome
Loves kids
Wants to be married
Loves his mama
Good credit
Good job
In shape
So many interests in common
Supportive of my career
Sends flowers
Calls regularly
Awesome family
Never married
No kids
Well educated
...the list goes on...

Paradoxically, despite the fact that he was all those things and overall a wonderful person the relationship was still pretty much a disaster. Well dang!!! With all of my intellectual abilities I certainly thought that this would be a match made in heaven. I was wrong. I now realize where I went wrong. I relied on my own intelligence and not on God. In my eagerness to find Mr. Right I did not stop to consult God, I charged fully ahead...to meet a disastrous end. Even now as I am stranded in Houston as a direct result of this debaucle of a relationship that I have gotten myself into, I am mad at myself for not waiting on the Lord. Hindsight is always 20/20 and thank goodness we serve a merciful God who is merciful despite ourselves.

The bible says:
Isaiah 55:8-9
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 3:5
5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

1 Corithians 2:9
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

Ephesians 3:20
20Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Psalm 37:4
4Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

This leads me to a few conclusions. It has taken me a while to recognize this...hold your breath this is going to be deep (sigh):

1. God is smarter than me
2. God's ways are better than my ways
3.God, the creator of the universe, might actually be better than me at identifying the perfect mate for me.
4. Only he can give me more than I ever thought or imagined. He can give me things that I want that I never even realized I wanted (that's deep)
5. If I am patient and I trust him, he will give me the desires of my heart

Why has it taken so long for me to come to this realization?!!! I guess there is no point in asking why, it is better to thank God for having the realization at all. From this day on I am believing in God for my husband, a God-fearing man of faith, who loves me with all his heart mind and soul who loves me as Christ loves the church. That is the kind of husband God wants me to have (ephesians 5:25-7). To settle for anything else would be settling for less than God's best.

When this man comes into my life God will let me know that he is "the one." God will also let the guy know that "I am the one." I will not be so eager to jump into a relationship. I will be patient. I will use self-restraint. I will wait on God to tell me to move forward. I will pray about the relationship...and actually be willing to listen to what God says.

On this day, March 14 2008, I too am kissing dating goodbye. I am letting go and letting God. I am abandoning my search for Mr Right and waiting on Mr. God Sent. I am learning to be patient.

When love hurts (the series) part one. Close to the edge

Have you ever seen that part in the movie when the girl (or guy) is standing around minding their own business and all of a sudden the hero tackles them to the ground or pushes them out of harms way? The unsuspecting loved one initially has no idea what hit them. Their first instinct is to say to the hero, "what the heck did you do that for? That hurt." Then they realize that by pushing them down or out of the way the hero was able to remove them from harms way. It could have been a moving bus, a bullet, a bomb or something that the unsuspecting loved one couldn't see but the hero could. That scene is played out all the time in movies.

Recently I have been blindly walking towards the edge of a cliff with a really precipitous fall. For some reason my blinders were on in full force. All I could see was the pretty blue sky, the sun shining, the birds chirping not realizing that all the while I was about to fall off this cliff. A friend who loves me dearly tried to tell me gently that I was about to walk off a cliff but I could not hear her. So she started to talk even louder to the point where she had to basically whack me back into reality. I will tell you that the whack hurt. I even became angry at the friend. I mean here I was trying to enjoy my walk on what seemed to be a beautiful day and she wanted to rain on my parade and I was angry at her for that. Then one day God removed the blinders from my eyes and I was finally able to see the cliff and it was really really really deep. The consequences of falling of would have permanently and deeply damaging. It was only at that point that I was able to appreciate what my friend had done for me. If she had continued to be gentle, delicate and soft spoken I probably would have missed the message but it was only because she whacked me back into reality and started to talk really loud that I started to pay attention. I am glad I did.

The moral of this story is never be afraid of telling someone the truth in love. Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes people are not ready to hear it but if you really care about someone and you see them walking off a cliff you are doing them a disservice by not saying anything to them. Love is patient. Be patient with your loved ones and allow them the space to come to their own realizations. However, if you see them quickly approaching a cliff know that you might have to whack some sense into them.

If you are the person who someone is trying to talk some sense into--listen. If you know that that person loves you, has your best interests at heart, and knows what they are talking about (that part is important--don't suffer fools) then listen. Consider for a second that maybe that person does know what they are talking about. Listen.

To the person who I am referring to in this post (you know who you are) thank you. Thank you for loving me enough to not let me self-destruct. Thank you for loving me enough to tell me the truth even though it hurt and even though I really wasn't trying to hear it. Thank you. I appreciate you and I thank God for putting you in my life.

Unapologetic: Can I be me?

“You walk around here like you are some kind of princess or something, like your sh*t don’t stink.”
-Words expressed during an argument circa 2000 by my now good friend Kelly J

Mr J and I had a heated discussion last night. For some reason he decided to tell me about what he thought some of my flaws were. One of the things he said was that I thought I was better than everyone else and that made people around me feel uncomfortable. In a previous conversation he shared with me that I talked “like a white girl” (whatever the heck that means?!) and that made people feel uncomfortable. He said that to some people the way I speak might make them think that I think I am better than they are. He even suggested that I modified the way I speak so that people would feel more comfortable around me.

Obviously, he is not the first person to tell me that I can sometimes give off an air of superiority. In the past I have had to ask myself why?
The truth is that I know that my naturally reserved and introverted nature is often misinterpreted as standoffish, cold and arrogant. I have had to learn to go outside of my natural comfort zone to make the (new) people around me feel warm and fuzzy. I will admit that there are times when frankly I can’t be bothered and I don’t particularly feel like extending myself and I am willing to be misunderstood.

The truth is that I never have felt that I was better than anyone else or for that matter that anyone else was better than me. I am just as friendly to the security guards at school as I am to the Deans. I have friends who are poor, rich, educated, not educated, straight, gay, black, white, brown, Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Hindu, Agnostic, Bahai. I believe that everyone provides a valuable and important perspective on life. I can learn something from every person on this earth. Furthermore, it is only by the grace of God that I am not homeless, on drugs, or otherwise afflicted.

I am blessed, richly and abundantly blessed. Is it ok for me to say that?
The Lord is my Shepard, I want for nothing. Is that ok? I am intelligent, I am no Einstein but I am smarter than the average bear. Is that ok? I dress well and I like high heels. I don’t have a bunch of designer duds nor am I very trendy but I sure do know how to walk into a Salvation Army and make a $10 outfit look like a million bucks. Am I allowed to say that? I did not grow up in this country and I do not talk like the black (or white) people that did. On most days I attempt to use proper grammar and have noun-verb agreement. Am I wrong for that? I carry myself with confidence. I don’t walk around with my head bowed down. My life and my profession of choice demand it from me. Is that ok? Oh yeah…and I am pretty, not a supermodel by any means but easy enough on the eyes. Am I allowed to think that? One last thing, I go to Harvard. I don’t particularly feel like that is a big deal but from my experience some people do.

I don’t brag nor am I arrogant. I usually surround myself with such brilliant and accomplished people that on most days I don’t particularly feel very brilliant or accomplished. When I first meet people I generally don’t like to tell them that I am a doctor or that I go to Harvard because I have found that people make assumptions about me based on these facts, besides it is usually not relevant to the conversation. I recognize that the very act of me being me can make others feel uncomfortable. However, if the fact that I am an articulate, pretty, well dressed, intelligent, confident young woman, makes others feel uncomfortable is that their problem or is it mine?

Mr. J feels like I should change the way I talk to make others feel more comfortable, change my diction, cadences, throw in a few slang words. I have a one word response, “WHATEVER!” (to quote the valley girls) or perhaps I should say, “Why the f^&* are you trippin’?! You’d best to back up off me partner!” LOL…sigh!

I do not apologize for the way I speak
I do not apologize for the clothes I wear
I do not apologize for not being dumb or fat or ugly
I do not apologize for being an imperfect Christian
I do not apologize for the school I attend or my profession of choice
I do not apologize for believing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I don’t think I am better than anyone else but I do recognize that God has blessed me richly and I am sick and tired of people trying to make me feel bad about me being me. I know who I am in Christ. I know what the bible says about me and I am not the least bit apologetic. I also recognize that I have issues that I am working on (have you read this blog?!) but I am pretty unapologetic about that too.

Life is funny because the very thing that is required of us in one area is used against us in another area. I get criticized for being confident but I cannot think of one instance when a patient has appreciated a lack of confidence from their surgeon. One thing I learned very quickly in medical school is that patients don’t like to know when I have no idea what I am doing and that I too get nervous and scared. We learn how to do procedures on patients. Generally speaking people get nervous when they find out that this is the first time I have done the procedure they are about to undergo and understandably so. It becomes my job to drum up enough confidence in myself to reassure them and engender their trust. There are too many examples of how confidence is important in medicine and yet I feel that in other areas of life I am criticized for not walking around with my head bowed low…sigh.

“…Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need for my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.”

Is it ok for me to quote Maya Angelou? Is it ok for me to be me?
What do you say?

I triple heart Jetblue

I think I am going to try to get a job with Jetblue airways as their newest spokesperson...

If Jetblue was a man, I'd marry him and have his children.
Jetblue is to airlines what Denzel is to men..
If all airlines were like Jetblue, the world would be a better place.

You guys already know how excited I was about my first experience with Jetblue (read "I heart jetblue")

What has gotten me so hyped about JB, you ask?

I just found out that they started a direct line from Boston to Jacksonville. The trip now only takes 3 hours whereas before it would take 7 hours with connection. What is even better flights start at $79.

Why do I care about Jacksonville?
That is where Mr. J lives...

I am happy

Insecurity and Foolishness: I got issues (but that is ok)

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Abraham Lincoln

I am back from India and jetlagged. That is why I am blogging at 4am in the morning. I keep thinking back to a couple of days ago when I acted foolishly. The funny thing is that I didn’t think that I was acting foolish. I thought that by being silent I wasn’t saying a word. Unfortunately my face always betrays me and I forgot to take into account that about 70% of communication is non-verbal. Even though I didn’t say a word, a message was conveyed loud and clear.

So Mr J surprised me and met me at the airport when I arrived in Boston. I was so happy to see him! Not knowing that he was coming I had already asked my girlfriend Jackie to give me a ride home from the airport. She was gracious and kind enough to get her butt out of bed on a Saturday morning to pick us up. As a way of showing our appreciation Mr. J invited her to join us for lunch. I was a bit disappointed because I had not seen or talked to him for a whole month and I really wanted to catch up with him. However, it was the right thing to do so I squelched my disappointment (or at least I thought I did) and tried to go with the flow. Unfortunately my face never lies and according to Mr J my discontent was pretty obvious.

At the restaurant things only got worse for me. Have you ever been out with two friends who have known each other since childhood? They start talking about people you have never met and places you have never been and you really can’t relate. Well Mr J and Jackie are both avid sports fans and golfers, subjects I know zilch about. They started talking about golf courses they had been to and different sports players. I felt left out of the conversation. I knew it wasn’t deliberate so I made some feeble attempts to include myself in the conversation. In the meantime the crazy insecurity voices in my head started: Wow. They are really getting along well. Maybe Mr J would rather be with someone like Jackie. She is gorgeous, smart, likes football and golf. I think he might like her more than me. The reality is that they were having a perfectly innocent conversation and I should have been glad that he was making an effort to relate to my friend. The sad thing is that while these thoughts were going through my mind I recognized that they were totally irrational but I could not stop thinking them! While I did not say a word my face said it all. Later on Mr J tried to ask me what was wrong. He is a little bit too good at noticing my mood swings. I tried to blame it on jetlag. He did not really buy it but he let it go. There was no way I could tell him that the truth was I had issues that I need to work on. So I said nothing. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

At some point in time we all have to confront our demons. There are times that we feel like we have conquered our demons but then there are times when they come back and bite is in the butt. For the record let me say:
I HAVE ISSUES (simply said I am a bit crazy)
One of my issues is that I am a perfectionist. I feel like I have to do everything perfectly or I won’t be loved (it sounds crazy when I write it down but I already said I was crazy). This applies to all aspects of life. I am really really hard on myself when I make a mistake. For some reason I don’t always give myself permission to be human. These feelings result in two things: 1) Other people are hard on me (people will always reflect what you project); 2) I am hard on others (although never as hard as I am on myself) and my expectations for those closest to me are sky high.

The problem is that when I focus on mistakes I rob myself of the opportunity to celebrate accomplishments. I distinctly remember not too long ago taking a test. I got all but one question right, a 98%. All I could focus on was that one question that I got wrong and how I should have known the answer and had it not been for my stupidity I could have had a perfect score. Have you ever written down your crazy thoughts and thought “wow that sounds a whole lot crazier on paper”? The reality of the situation was that: 1) 98% was an excellent grade; 2) Getting 100% would not have changed anything. I was still going to get the same grade in the class; 3) Ultimately my grades (as long as I passed) do not matter that much in the greater scheme of things. When was the last time you asked your doctor what grade they got in epidemiology?

I must admit that I have gotten better over the years. I am more accepting of my mistakes than I have been before. Am I where I need to be? No but I am heading in the right direction and I celebrate that. I affirm me. Despite my apparent craziness the Bible tells me that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14). It says that he that has begun a good work in me will carry it on unto completion until the day of Christ (Phillipians 1:6). He knew me [and all of my psychoses] before He formed me in my mother’s womb and set me apart (Jeremiah 1:5).

It is good to have a God that unconditionally loves and accepts us despite our many many flaws. There is nothing we can ever do to deserve the love of God. All we can do is show him that we love Him. Most of our relationships in life are based on our performance: show up late enough times to work and you will be looking for another employer, be verbally abusive to your partner and you will be single soon enough. God’s love is the one thing that is constant, all other ground is sinking sand. Despite ourselves nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:35). That is powerful.

Once I can learn to internalize these truths and really have them permeate my spirit I know that through Him I can conquer my fears and insecurities which are rooted in a fear of abandonment and rejection.

I am grateful to God for creating situations that force me to recognize my dependence on Him. My struggles and trials draw me closer to Him, to a place of rest, peace, joy, love. What could be better?

One last thing, I am scheduling an appointment with my therapist. LOL!

MOVING TO A NEW LOCATION

HAPPY NEW YEARS TO ALL!!!
WHILE I AM IN INDIA I WILL BE BLOGGING FROM MY NEW BLOG PAGE:
http://teeinindia.blogspot.com/
COME AND VISIT, READ ABOUT MY ADVENTURES, AND DROP A NOTE TO LET ME KNOW YOU STOPPED BY!

I have plenty of non-india stories to tell. I will update you on this site if I get a chance

quote of the day: kissing

Song of Songs 1:2
2 Kiss me and kiss me again,
for your love is sweeter than wine.

Welcome to the Tundra!

It is ONE DEGREE (with wind chill factor). I repeat. One degree.
There is ice and snow everywhere.
I am scared to go home because that involves going outside...

I am through with this god forsaken city.
Through.
Let the countdown to india begin.

In 14 days I will be chillin' on the beach drinking mango lassis munching on samosa, trying not to get travelers diarrhea

better yet

In 48 hours I will be on my way to Jacksonville to see Mr. J!
I can't wait!

word of the day

Today's vocab word is:

psycholagny

(look it up)

All I want to know is, how can I be down?!